It was midday when I made my way to the schoolyard after speaking with my father. Most of my friends would have been there for several hours already, but I was in no hurry. It was the common practice of the students freshly graduated from classroom studies to spend their free days in the schoolyard until their prenticeships began in February or March or before they began their life of manual labor. The farms were always in need of workers and the majority of my peers would end up there. Spending the days in the schoolyard that summer for most of the kids would be their last taste of the carefree life of childhood, in just a few months they would begin the rest of their toiling lives. I liked to think that my ambitions were higher, grander.
I had only been awake for a few hours that day and already I had explained a troublesome six year plan to my father, settled on the terms for his approval of said plan, and also accepted the fact that I now had to undo six months of wooing Carus. I was in no hurry to get to the schoolyard; today already had more than enough excitement for me. I hoped that by delaying my arrival to the schoolyard, perhaps Carus would think I was not coming today and had left. Maybe she would think I was helping my father with his woodsmithing or perhaps I was traveling somewhere today on a delivery for my father. Although she expected me again today, if a long enough amount of time passed before she saw me, she could reasonably conclude that something unexpected had withheld me from coming to the schoolyard that day and maybe she would leave for home. These were the thoughts I weighed as I meandered down the road towards Northern Shkhem.
My father and I had just decided that morning that I would pursue jugar, why was I rushing so quickly to end things with Carus? I pondered a moment before the obvious answer struck me. My father would be unrelenting when it came to this matter; I would find no rest at home until the relationship terminated. I doubted that Carus would take the news well, but I could avoid her easily. My father however was always home, his shop was built in the cellar of the house. He was only gone for the occasional business trip or for the Census, he would be inescapable. Like a coward, in my own best interest I rushed to terminate the relationship for a less hassled home life. To become the storied hero I longed to be, I first had to be the selfish coward, I ached of this thought.
A gust stirred behind me driving fine dust from the road into my exposed neck. I hunched my shoulders and tried to hide my neck in my shirt, then resumed my ponderings. Perhaps I was over thinking the whole situation. Carus and I were not actually together. It had been several months now and we were spending a lot of time together at school, and most of the other kids just assumed we were together without asking. But maybe she had been using me. Perhaps she had eyes for another boy and was only using me to invoke his jealousy. Even if that was not the case she probably just wanted a friend right now, nothing as far as a romantic relationship is concerned. We were only fifteen after all. She would probably laugh at me when I told her that I could not have a relationship with her, let alone marry her. She would laugh and say something like “oh, you thought we were serious?” Then I would play it off like I was joking and all would be fine, we could still be friends. She probably had every intention of keeping me around until her eye found a stronger, taller, richer man on Eret, and then she would be done with me. I would have fulfilled my purpose to her, she would set me free. Really, I was probably just expediting our entire relationship by letting go of her before she let go of me in a couple years. It would be for the better. I was making progress in the lie I forced myself to believe.
As I continued to try to convince myself that Carus would not be upset with me for choosing to become jugar, I reached town. Before entering it, I banked left off the main road. As the road descended gently down towards Northern’s streets, on the left side of the road the ground did the opposite and banked up subtlely. Its embankment increased as I continued to walk, the road five feet below, then ten, then twenty. The path continued for about an eighth mile, and then it met abruptly a sheer cliff, they called it Watchtower Hill. I took a seat at the edge of the cliff and stared out over Northern, I nearly forty feet above the city below. The summer sun was just as hot this high above the streets, but nothing stopped the wind at this height. It felt wonderful on my well sunned skin when it was not carrying tiny shots of fine soil. I scanned the city, it seemed different from this height, less intimidating, less secure, more fragile and small. I imagined the day, if my plan worked, when I would be the jugar of Northern, my beloved hometown. My chief duty would be to watch the Chairman of the town and ensure his adherence to the Iron Eret Code, exacting justice when he did not. The Chairman would fear me and the power granted to me by Northern’s citizens and Tsor himself. I would protect the innocent in town; I would seek out and prosecute the deviant. This would be my love, my jewel, the thing most precious to me that I would protect with my very life as if it were my child.
I descended Watchtower Hill and thought how silly it was of me to consider forsaking the opportunity to protect Northern just to be with Carus, the selfishness it would have taken. I could work for the greater good or I could marry a girl and live out life just for the two of us. When I thought of it in these terms the choice was easy. At least that is what I was constantly telling myself as I neared the school. I found myself doing the same calculations over and over, weighing the good and bad of becoming jugar as if they were seeds of grain with finite weight. Each time I weighed, the outcome varied. Sometimes jugar would win, sometimes Carus would win. Sometimes Carus would win by a little, sometimes jugar would win by a great margin. Regardless of how things scaled up in my mind, I was now at the school, and my anxiety was tangible.
I made yet another unnecessary stop to delay my arrival even further, at the front of the school where I sat on the ground at its outside corner. I was close to the corner, close enough that if I leaned forward I could see the schoolyard behind, but if I leaned back no one would see me. It was a good location to sit and spy while I mustered the courage that still lacked for my task. The school building was sharply cut sandstone constructed with beautiful mastery. The building was ancient. It was just as old as the other sandstone government buildings in town, which were the oldest in town by hundreds of years. Yet with their age, they maintained their precise design and craftsmenship. The stonesmiths of present day were significantly lacking in skill compared to the ancient smiths, their architecture was immaculate. Immaculate save for the cornerstone by which I sat. The cornerstone was uncut stone, naturally shaped on all sides; untouched by human hands except for the script the ancient smiths had carved from it. The uncut cornerstone of the school was just like the other governmental cornerstones in Northern, and the rest of the Eretian cities for that matter. Every cornerstone had deeply carved into its form the Stone Eret Code, the now defunct predecessor to the Iron Eret Code. The Stone Code was an ancient and outdated set of laws that was the epitome of archaic reasoning. I hated the Stone Code for the fact that its laws were ever present everywhere, every government building bore the Stone Code. Its laws were no longer enforced and its ugly unfinished cornerstones were an eyesore.
The Stone Code was denounced when King Epifanio relinquished his rule to our god Tsor. Tsor established new Eretian laws for his reign which overruled the Stone Code. Tsorian priests crafted iron plates, Tsor’s sacred metal, and outlined the new code we were to live under. The iron plates were secured to the faces of the cornerstones, effectively blocking the ancient laws from view. The Iron Code quite literally overruled the Stone Code. The cornerstone next to me had lost its iron plate years ago, rain and weather had rotted it through. The only remnants of the plate were the holes by which the iron plate was fastened to the cornerstone, and rust colored streaks which defaced the cornerstone. Dried pools of rusty water had deposited dark blotches of reddish brown to the cornerstone’s still perfectly chiseled text. This was just one of many similar cornerstones that now bore the marks of a long missing Iron Code plate.
My courage still insufficient, I idlely traced with my finger the rusty streaks on the cornerstone I had been intently studying. I traced one streak down which ended in a large spot that pooled in the bottom of the letters of the first law. I found another streak and traced it down as it careened on the natural-faced stone past the first three laws to settle on the fourth. I traced a third streak, this one more prominent. It ran through every law on the old cornerstone, but no text’s depression sufficed to withhold it from its continued path. It streaked through every law, coloring it with vibrant red with brown undertones. The streak passed all the laws, tapered down, and settled on the last word on the old stone, ‘Adon’. This word was unique, it comprised an entire line; just one word. Our ancestors used Adon, as a curse. I’m told it meant, “if you break these laws, curses be upon you”. A carryover from my archaic superstitious ancestors and their simple laws, I hated the Stone Code.
My reflections of Eret’s judicial history ceased, I returned from my mental hiatus to the task before me. I leaned forward to see past the schoolhouse to the yard, no sign of Carus yet, but I could only see a portion of the schoolyard and its occupants. I could fritter away the rest of the day in hiding or I could get about my duty. In a moment of strength I stood from my seated position and made my way to the bench where the boys normally spent their time in the schoolyard. The kids gathered here today had also finished their classroom studies and were enjoying the summer days before they would start their prenticeships or labors. I stationed myself with the other boys in such a way that I could examine the old table across the yard where the girls normally sat and talked. I did not say much as the boys talked, my attention was on the girls, searching the faces for Carus. I subtly leaned left and right, and stood on tipped toes to make sure I got a good look at every face. I did not see Carus there, my body relaxed for the first time since I left home and I knew I could make it through the day without telling Carus my plan. I would even have a reasonable excuse when my father asked me if I had told her yet too, I could not very well tell her if she was not there. I slowly picked up what the boys were discussing then joined the conversation. Today we were discussing ceto, dragons, revenants, and all manner of mythic beast. It was good conversation as we were all well seasoned on the matters since they were among our favorites.
I carelessly bantered with the boys for a while then I heard something hit the ground near my feet behind me, looking back instinctively I saw nothing. I stopped looking for the cause and gave my attention back to the discussion. A short moment passed and the sound broke the rhythm of the conversation but only to me, even though this time it was louder. I turned quickly hoping that added speed would catch a fleeting glimpse of the source, but my added effort yielded no further result. In frustration, I focused back on the group again. I heard a third sound behind me again, this time I forced myself to ignore it. No little bird, or rodent, or gust of wind would make me a fool three times in a row. I forced my attention back on the group; I was apparently the only one who heard any of the sounds. Had others heard it perhaps I would have investigated further, but I did not want to invite the ridicule of my friends. A fourth sound came from behind me, this one was different. This was the sound of something hitting my shirt, quickly I felt light pressure on my back and I could take no more. I whirled around to see fully what was behind me, a figure a ways off leaning out from behind the old shed that lay on the perimeter of the schoolyard. An uncontrollable smile came across my face when I saw it was Carus. She was beautiful, her eyes bright even in the summer sun and her dark long hair catching the breeze then flaring out behind her. I noticed she was wearing one of the dresses I had bought her the day before. Folk stories of a man being lured to his death by a beautiful siren in the woods I always found absurd, but seeing Carus I lost all doubt. My awe drained when I remembered what I had to tell her and my legs instantly became weak. The other boys saw her too and said their goodbyes to me knowing full well that Carus wanted my sole attention, and I was powerless to say no. I waved to the group as I left and jogged to Carus, trying to be as casual as possible.
She pulled me around the side of the shed, out of sight from the group I just left and hugged me as she excitedly said, “Demos! Oh! I thought I wouldn’t see you today!” “Sorry, I had some things to help my father with this morning,” I explained as she released her embrace. “Where were you?” I pried. Her face soured and I immediately regretted my question. “My father,” Carus said with bitterness. Her father and mother had been at odds for years now. Her family life was great until a few years ago her father got what he wanted when he became the mayor of Northern. Ever since, Carus’s home had been in constant upheaval. In the short time I had known Carus well; I had become well versed in calming her during her more troubling times onset by fights at home. I moved my arm to rest around her back and gave her a gentle hug. Carus explained what he had done this time. Nothing new, more of the same, threats, yelling, anger in general over trivial matters. It was always the same with him, except as time passed so did the degree with which he acted. The only thing new was how far her father took his anger, how far he let himself go before he told himself enough. Each episode he let himself be carried a littler further into anger, each episode he hinted at the depths to which he could sink. We walked down the dusty streets of Northern while she told me the latest occurrence. A short walk and we were not far from the schoolhouse where she seemed in better spirits. She had bolstered herself for these episodes, she would have never calmed this quickly six months ago. I reveled in how she was growing stronger.
Sensing that she no longer wanted to talk about her home, I asked, “so how about the rest of your morning?” “Oh, I’m glad you asked,” she said then she started another story. “Well... I got here about the normal time I usually do. The girls were talking about the usual things. But then, one of the girls started talking about Ezra. She was talking about the twelve people that followed him but mostly about your mom... it wasn’t nice either. She said a lot of things.. and I don’t want to repeat them. But I had had enough so I told her so. I told her she was wrong about the people that followed Ezra; they were good people who loved their families. I told her your mom was great. She was one of the best women I’ve ever met, I looked up to your mom as much as my mom.” She turned to face me for the first time since she began explaining the situation; she saw the tears in my eyes and hugged me without hesitation. Carus was the perfect girl, I may have loved her then, I can not be sure.
We stood in the middle of the road, her arms around me as I sobbed like a child. Carus could have been the woman in my life. She could have done it all, she was beautiful, caring, intelligent, understanding, everything.. simply everything I needed. My sobbing seemed never ending. My tears first shed for my lost mother as Carus embraced me. Then I realized that the one person who was helping me, who cared to take the time to make sure I was alright, and who even defended my mother against her peers was now the person I was forced to push out of my life. Did I really want to be jugar? Was it worth it? First I lost my mother, now I would lose Carus, surely it could not be worth it. But if I did not do it, I would lose my chance to protect other families, to keep other boys’ and girls’ mothers and fathers safe from fanatic crazed rebels like Ezra. I could prevent other boys going through my torture and loss. I needed to but did not want to let her go.
My sobbing had not completely stopped; it was controllable at this point though, so I reluctantly proceeded. “Thank you for standing up for my mom,.” that was all I knew I wanted to say for sure, rather that was all I knew how to say. Everything else I needed to say was on my mind, but in a clouded mess of abstract thought that I was unable to articulate. What I was going to say to her was going to be rough, not just because of its content but also because of its poor delivery. “I really like you..” again something I knew was true that I wanted to say, but regretfully, the tone that I used made her believe this conversation was heading somewhere far from where it was actually going. I knew this by the way her already bright eyes brightened further at my words. I interjected quickly to reign in her wandering thoughts, “..but, I don’t think we can be together. I talked with my father this morning, and he has agreed to support me in my pursuit of jugar.” Her face now mimicked my grief stricken face, her sight blurred by the tears that had welled. “I’m so sorry Carus. I never meant to hurt you.” I should have said so much more, but my thoughts remained jumbled. I considered offering that perhaps if I was not accepted as jugar, then we could be together. I am glad I did not mention it to her, I think now it would have been received poorly to say the least. We were still in the middle of the road; the two of us equally tear streaked. My mind stopped functioning, it ceased sending words to my tongue, and I froze. She blinked and a large well of tears freed from her eyes then washed down her cheek. She looked at me with her bright eyes now amplified by the tears. It felt like they were burning through me, she said nothing. She just ran past me toward her father’s house without a word. At that time I was upset she left without saying anything, without saying that she was proud of me, without wishing me Tsor’s blessing, without a single word. Later my hypocrisy donned on me, I used so few words to express how I felt, I was nearly mute. I gave her no words to ease the pain I delivered; I deserved no words to ease mine.